Introducing Penn Lite for In-Person Fall: All the Tuition With None of the Fun

After months of anticipation, President Gutmann has confirmed that Penn will return to campus in the fall, and has promised that the semester will be “more miserable than ever.” Describing the semester as ‘Penn Lite’, Gutmann assured students that the semester will have all of the Penn Face, pre-professionalism, and toxicity of a normal semester at Penn, minus every form of stress-relief and joy that made being a Penn student somewhat tolerable. Specifically, the email outlined several regulations to ensure the safety of students and University faculty and staff come August. 

Students will be allowed to have a maximum of three friends in order to reduce the risk-taking behaviors that friendships encourage. There will be an 8 p.m. curfew on weeknights and, because President Gutmann was feeling generous, an 8:30 p.m. curfew on the weekend. Parties, gatherings, laughter, singing, joy, and happiness are strictly forbidden, and any violations of these bans will result in a brand on the ass with the phrase “The Power of Penn” and immediate expulsion from the University. The Penn Police will receive quadruple its current budget to enforce these new rules and will receive military-grade equipment from the Philadelphia Police to intimidate non-compliers. Students, faculty, and babies can expect to be racially profiled, stopped-and-frisked, and thrown to the ground more than ever before come the fall. To off-set this increased security spending, the University will pull all funding from CAPS, effective immediately. 

Greek life and Penn’s hook-up culture have long presented moral crises to the University. Now with the new dictatorial powers bestowed upon it by the Coronavirus, the University can at long last eliminate these moral hazards. Greek life will be abolished, and their houses will be seized and demolished by the University. The new space, rather than be used for new cultural houses, will be used to create more research buildings for the Wharton School. Men and women will be sequestered in separate quarters to prevent sexual congress of any kind. Due to the moral and epidemiological hazard posed by queer students, they will be expelled and automatically enrolled in Our Mother of Mercy’s Catholic School for Confused Boys and Girls. 

President Gutmann, when asked about whether her decision was a difficult one, laughed. “This one was a no-brainer,” Gutmann stated. “With the little shits back on campus, it’ll be that much easier to make their lives more miserable.”