BREAKING: Dean Furda Has ALREADY Removed Penn From Linkedin

As I was scrolling through Linkedin, I stumbled upon a handsome Eric J. Furda only to find that at first glance, his profile shows no connection to Penn. Confused to find that the rigid jawline and picture-perfect smile I've come to know so well could betray the Red and Blue so easily, I kept scrolling down to the "About" section. I thought that surely Furda, a man who went to our school and has worked there for years would at the least give Amy Gutmann a shoutout, but no. Not only that, but who did he shout out? COLUMBIA.

Clearly this is a mistake, Eric wouldn't do us dirty like that. We reached out to him via email. "As a Dean of Admissions, I can tell you that you've got to put the important things first to make sure they really stand out. It's like how you put four years of science bowl on the top of your activities list and your one, sad, freshman year sitting on the sidelines of the soccer games on the bottom." 

We couldn't believe what we were hearing, Dean Eric J. "Yelling at the Eagles" Furda, put Penn, his alma mater and employer for the past 12 years at the bottom of the list? He had the audacity to compare it to my bench year on the soccer team as water-boy? This is outrageous! We had to talk to him face to face.

We planned to discover what's really behind Furda's seemingly secret lack of enthusiasm for all things Penn. We cornered him by luring him into the DP office with stale pretzels leftover from some NSO events. Once he was inside, we asked him why he seems to hate our school. 

Immediately, the corners of his lips began to twitch upwards. He broke into the standard "admissions dean grin". A single bead of sweat slipped down his forehead. His eyes shifted from left to right. Then he stood up straight, looking completely calm, stared at us dead in the eye, and completely seriously said, "What's Penn? What do you want with me? I don't know anything, I'm just a high school college counselor."