New Police Uniforms Include Scythe, Black Hood, and Cloak

 After complaints from officers nationwide were filed about their current uniforms, a new standard has been set nationwide for officers to wear uniforms consisting of a black hood and cloak. Their weapons will be replaced with a scythe. There has been mixed reactions among the police community.

Citing uncomfortable and tight uniforms, the switch to a loose-fitting cloak was designed to give officers more freedom of movement.

“I think the uniform changes are great,” said officer Dereck Shovin. “The previous tight pants really inhibited my movement. When I was kneeling on an innocent black guy’s neck, the tight pants pinched my already small balls and it hurt a lot.”

Additionally, due to the loose-fit of the cloaks, officers' name tags, badge numbers, and body cameras will no longer be worn. 

The addition of a hood to the uniform was made after officers complained about citizens filming them.

“Whenever I made a totally completely definitely lawful arrest based on my totally definitely justified suspicion that the guy was a black male, bystanders always recorded me,” said officer Hugh Rashist. “Now I have this useful hood I can use to hide my face so that I can do my job with any worry of accountability.” 

Meanwhile, the switch from standard-issue firearms to standard-issued scythes was made as a cost-saving measure. 

“Ammunition and training officers on firearms is expensive and time-consuming,” said officer Iama Sadisst. “Scythes are intuitive to use and have no ammunition cost. So officers are free to use their scythes as much as they want without any consequences. Additionally, they can use their hands to push non-threatening people too. Especially 75 year-olds.”

Some officers approve of the new changes to the uniforms.

“The new uniform also makes me look pretty badass,” said Shauvin. “Now, when I knock on the door, instead of shrieking ‘Police!’ I can say ‘Trick or treat!’. Well, actually, its more like ‘ID or get shot!’ but I think ‘trick or treat’ fits the uniform more.”

However, some officers vehemently oppose the changes. 

“The new uniforms make me look like the grim reaper,” said officer Wone O’DeFew. “I know some of my coworkers enjoy causing death justified by citizen's skin color, but that’s not me. I serve my community as peacefully and unbiasedly as I can, and I think it's a shame that some of my coworkers don't do the same. It's such a shame they have brought this deathly image onto all cops.”