Party City! Penn to Reopen in Fall, But Only For Professors

Talk about a pedagogical paradise! After months of deliberation, university officials have finally come to a consensus on their plan of action this upcoming school year. Instead of reopening its doors to all, entrance to Penn’s campus will be restricted to one group: professors.

“Profs rule, students drool!” Gutmann exclaimed at the end of her statement last Sunday night, unsheathing a candy-colored foam sword. “Campus is ours, suckers!”

Across all disciplines, Penn’s top scholars have agreed that this is a change for the better.

“Without those brats, I finally have a chance at getting one of those mango-kale smoothies at Hill,” physics professor Aaron Lubbers said, eyes filled with hope. “I swear, they always run out so quickly.”

Others have taken this opportunity to let their inner child come out to play.

“No fair, it’s my turn, my turn!” anthropology professor Paulette Harrish yelled as she shoved her colleagues aside and slid down the iconic split button statue in the middle of campus. “Woooooo!”

Okay, that honestly sounds pretty fun. But is everyone having a good time?

Many students have spoken in opposition to the new measure, arguing that Penn has left them in the dark.

“Seriously? What about the future of our education? What about our life goals and aspirations?” rising college junior Janet Joboson complained. “Why didn’t I ever think of sliding down the button statue when I still had the chance? Damn it!”

Despite mounting student opposition, the leadership has remained adamant in their stance for the fall semester.

“I’m rubber, you’re glue,” Gutmann taunted from her podium. “All your petitions bounce off of me and stick to you.”