Trump Rally Attendance Matches Penn Basketball Attendance

President Donald Trump’s first re-election rally since the start of the pandemic was held on Saturday in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Despite long anticipation from Trump himself and his supporters, the rally only managed to draw crowds to rival those of Penn Basketball.

Despite recent advertising and incentivizing efforts by Penn athletic organizations, spectator numbers have dropped significantly in the past few years. Students who no longer go to school games regularly cite loss of interest, better alternatives, and apathy towards the incentives. As a result, programs to reward attendance have been put in place. 

In an effort to attract more rally-goers, the Trump campaign manager has taken inspiration from Penn Basketball. “I am happy to announce a new rewards program,” he said in a press briefing. “It is called MRGA. Make Rallies Great Again.”

“Each rally you attend, you get an opportunity to strengthen yourself against the Chinese virus, which totally doesn’t exist anyway,” he continued. “After you attend 5 rallies, you might even get to shake hands with a cardboard cutout of the Lord and Savior Trump!” 

The campaign manager also boasted the final grand prize.

“Just like Penn Basketball, if Trump wins reelection, you all can get a free ShakeShack burger!”