California Earthquake is Start of Doomsday

News reports have come in that a 4.2 magnitude earthquake hit LA this morning. Surprisingly, citizens were not alarmed by the Earthquake. We assumed that this was because it was a relatively small earthquake and that California is used to earthquakes by now, however, upon interviewing people, the real reason they were unfazed by the quake was they were expecting a natural disaster. 

"Have you seen what's been happening lately? We've got racial conflicts, a pandemic, economic hardship, mass unemployment, and two horrible presidential candidates, but we haven't had a natural disaster since the forest fires in Australia back in January, it was only a matter of time" explained LA native, James Potts.

Potts wasn't alone in his thinking, Mary Blessin, a woman who begged me to include the fact that she is Catholic, agrees with Potts claiming, "God wants this year to be over already too! While we may be thinking about time travel or just going to sleep then waking up sometime in 2021, He has a greater plan. I can recognize the signs, this is some last judgment stuff we're seeing here." 

Are the people of LA all aware of some elaborate doomsday plot that I'm not a part of? We, like so many political figures, turned to science for the answers. I tried to impress scientist Bill Guy, the man who measured the quake, with the words "seismograph" and "Richter scale," unfortunately he was not impressed. I expected to hear something about tectonic plates and was surprised by Guy's answer.

"Well, strictly speaking, er — scientifically I mean, this is in fact the beginning of the apocalypse. We should have been paying more attention in early March when the plague rained down on us. The good news is at this point, so much has happened this year, it's less of an apocalypse and more of a mercy killing. I'm actually looking forward to it."

To all of you thinking about housing and meal plans and whether it's worth it to come back to Penn at all, I beg you all to listen to science and remember all of that depends on us making it through another month. And judging by the way things have been going so far...Good Luck Charlie.