GENEROUS! Penn Gives Students Half-Filled Fro-Yo Punch Cards as Financial Aid

It’s been a tough year financially for universities across the country, as many colleges struggle to keep their doors open without the sweet cash flow from their students. Luckily for students at Penn, the University has decided it’s willing to make some sacrifices in order to ensure all students are able to afford the Ivy League education. 

Student Registration & Financial Services is well known for being incredibly generous, frequently handing out grants, and always being willing to reevaluate financial aid applications. This year is no different.

The administration has taken on the enormous task of scraping together aid for students from its measly 14 billion dollar endowment. Amy Gutmann personally went to each and every professor on campus, asking for whatever they could donate from their purses and wallets. Administrators dug through their couches and scoured their cars for any loose change that could be given to the financial aid office. In the end, they achieved an astounding result.

“Penn is happy to announce that this year, we are able to offer each student a punch card for frozen yogurt at one of the various shops near campus. Don’t worry, most of these cards are already almost filled out, so it won’t be long before you can claim your frozen treat,” Gutmann announced proudly on Penn’s Instagram page yesterday morning. 

“On top of that, we will also be providing each student with their very own Penn pen (ink is not included).” Immediately following the post, the joyous weeping of thousands of Penn students could be heard around the world, as many realized they would finally be able to affordably attend this prestigious, and incredibly generous, institution.