Amy Gutmann Accidentally Burns Down College Hall with Illegal Fireworks

In order to showcase national pride, Penn president, Amy Gutmann, decided to host the first, and potentially last, Annual University of Pennsylvania 4th of July Firework Spectacular Sponsored by Bud Light. “I was just looking to bring the Penn community closer together and what better way to do that than shooting off unregulated C4 into the sky while drinking America’s favorite beer!” Gutmann stated, as she guzzled a beer bong dry and proceeded to pack College Green with pyrotechnics.

Although Bud Light wanted to go about things the legal way, Gutmann was forced to take matters into her own hands and delve into the seedy underworld of crime when she discovered that all purchasable fireworks were little more than glorified sparklers.  “This is The University of Pennsylvania! We don’t do that milquetoast shit here!” she declared.

Gutmann ended up purchasing $20,000 worth of explosives using University funds from a man named Sid, who operates his business out of a 1998 Chevy Express Van that he parks in the abandoned lot behind Walmart. “It’s all totally safe!” said Sid, as he cleaned his prosthetic arm. 

The event started off nicely with the Official Bud Light Pre-Game, however, things took a dark turn.  After Penn Provost Wendell Pritchett’s third keg stand, he dared an inebriated Gutmann to shoot a rocket, dubbed The Weapon of Ass Destruction, out of her butt cheeks. She quickly accepted and eagerly placed the projectile between her buns as Pritchett lit it ablaze. However, the explosion was much more powerful than expected, accidentally setting off the mounds of undetonated TNT that had been set up for the showcase, and inadvertently catching historic College Hall in the crossfire.

The 147-year-old campus staple quickly became engulfed in flames, causing the foundation to cave in. The real tragedy, however, was the third-degree burns that now surround Gutmann’s asshole. Oh yeah, and the seven faculty members who perished inside. That was pretty sad too. Gutmann is currently in the hospital and has threatened to sue Bud Light for damages, including reconstructive anal surgery. Bud Light has declined to comment on the situation.