BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Not Returning to Campus for Fall Semester

The President of Penn has just announced that she will not be returning to campus in an official email to the student body. Many students were hoping to catch another glimpse of this rare mythical creature in September but now must wait, as Gutmann will be taking a gap semester. Citing financial reasons, she claimed that being on campus was too expensive considering her current measly salary without financial aid. Based on calculations run by her administration, she would be able to save much more money staying in a vacation home in Florida. 

For those that are worried about her lack of presence on campus, Gutmann reassured them, stating that she will be “popping in” the occasional Zoom class. She will also be sporting a Penn background to fit in with the campus vibe and make it seem as though “she’s one with the students”. She may be lounging in a beach chair and sipping a martini, but make no mistake, Amy Gutmann cares about your education. 

She also mentioned health concerns in her letter, believing that being on campus would expose her to the deadly disease commonly known as responsibility. If things get bad enough, there’s even the possibility of a gap year, which she will be forced to take in Europe.