6 Goya Bean Alternatives: A Photo Essay

Last week, Goya hopped on the Trump train. It's always disappointing when your very fav Bean Mogul gives campaign donations to your least fav sallow orange fruit by the foot. It's like, you still kinda need beans and such, but you also kinda need to live in a country with moral standards and such! I bean there, girl. Lucky for you, I've compiled this list of 6 Goya alternatives to balance out your dual needs for beans and freedom. Let's get to it!

1. Starve

The first alternative to Goya beans is simply no beans at all. Unfortunately, you can't eat these beans because they don't exist. Fortunately, but they also don't violate any laws regarding the promotion of businesses by government officials! That's a grand total of zero laws broken! Isn't that like, so nifty? Great job, Ivanka! 

2. Eat Some Gravel

Second, we have some good ol' gravel. Gravel has no flavor, but it looks kinda like beans and it's free! You can just pick it up at the park and pop it right in your mouth without ever vicariously donating to the candidacy of a saggy old pumpkin man. Eat for free while also preserving the freedom of the Latinx community and America as a whole. Damn, gravel is miles ahead of Goya!

3. Eat Your Roommate's Shoes

Third on our list of Goya alternatives is your junior-year roommate's air force ones. My God, those shoes are beat! They're a little sticky on the soles, yet somehow even stickier on the insoles. From deep in the toe box of the right shoe, you can hear the tiny ghost of Emma Chamberlain telling to pay actual money for a distressed pastel grandma sweater that you swear you saw at an estate sale in 2014. What a rancid shoe! And yet, I recommend you consume this shoe in its entirety before you ever buy another Goya products.

4. Eat An Angry Hornet

Fourth up, we have a live hornet! Fun fact about hornets: hornets do Not like to be eaten! This hornet in particular is really angry. (In this economy, who can blame her?) Medical professionals at the University of Pennsylvania have confirmed that if you swallow this hornet, she'll sting you approximately 7 bajillion times in the throat. And yet, eating this live, actual hornet is most certainly superior to eating even one actual, literal, Goya bean. 

5. Eat a Skunk's Literal Asshole

Fifth up, we have a skunk's asshole (more commonly known as "the asshole of a literal skunk"). For your information, skunks don't spray out of their assholes! Unfortunately, skunks do poop out of their assholes. Fortunately, though, this skunk's asshole does not promote candidates who deprive immigrant children of food and family! This skunk's asshole would also never make campaign contributions to anyone who put children in cages. That's so great! What a nice skunk. Paying to eat this skunk's asshole would be a better use of money than paying to eat Goya products.

6. For the Love of God, Just Buy Your Beans Responsibly

In the quest to balance your dueling needs for specific-brand grocery items and the legitimacy of democracy, your sixth choice is also your most promising: local, Latinx-owned, Latinx-promoting businesses. You might not want to eat gravel, shoes, skunks, or hornets, but you sure as hell can't eat a Goya product again. Try any of these businesses instead.