Practical! Penn Expects Big Money From Student Tuition and HUP Medical Bills This Fall

In a bid to recover their steep financial losses from the spring semester, Penn has committed to bringing students, faculty, and staff back to campus, expecting big money from both tuition payments and medical bills. The Hospital at the University of Pennsylvania has sped up the construction of the Pavilion, its new in-patient facility, to make 500 new beds available for when a coronavirus outbreak inevitably seizes the Penn community. 

“We were always going to charge full tuition, regardless of how much in-person instruction was going to take place in the fall,” explained David Cohen, the president of Penn’s Board of Trustees. “I mean, at the end of the day, students aren’t paying for the quality of their education. They’re paying to put Penn’s name on their diploma and resume, and really, if the caliber of their education takes a hit, it simply is not my problem. But,” continued Cohen, “the real kicker is the medical bills. There was simply no way that we weren’t going to bring students back. If Penn students are going to get corona anywhere, they’re sure as hell getting it on our campus so that they have to foot our medical bills. They’ll even seed an outbreak in the Philly area so that we can extract more money from the West Philly community. The thought of how many exorbitantly-priced medical bills we’re going to be able to hit students, professors, facility workers, and West Philly community members with, frankly, makes me start salivating.”

President Gutmann put it more succinctly: “It’s called capitalism, babe.”

Benoit Dubé, Penn’s Chief Wellness Officer, clarified that the Penn Campus Compact “is not binding” specifically to encourage students to socialize, hook-up, party, and generally expose themselves to the virus so that “Penn can ensure that the money it earns from HUP medical bills far outweighs any potential pay-outs the University must pay due to any lawsuits.” While Dubé would like to assure students that the University has their best interest at heart, he confirmed that “Penn is fully prepared to lay the blame for any outbreak on-campus squarely at the feet of the undergraduate student population.” 

In his latest address to the Penn community, summarizing his thoughts on the matter, David Cohen asserted that “Not all of us will survive this fall semester, but with these financial measures in place, Penn most certainly will.”