OP-ED: Stop Reading the Hitler Statue Article

In my day, I’ve seen a thing or two. I know that when cottage cheese turns green you’re supposed to throw it out. In much the same way, I know that when an article is number one for too long, someone is manipulating page views on the UTB website. Let’s break down the evidence.

The number one article, “Citing ‘Preservation of History,’ Town Refuses to Remove Hitler Statue” has been in the number one spot for the past seven weeks. Britney Spears' hit song "Baby One More Time" was only number one for 6 weeks. Now I’ve read the article, and I admit, it was pretty good. But it wasn’t that good. This isn't a "Baby One More Time" of UTB articles. It wasn’t good enough to take the number one spot for seven weeks in a row! All this points to one obvious answer: foul play is involved.

Alright. Fess up. I know you think you’re clever. You’re probably using some sort of automatic page refresh. That’s the only way that that article could get over 100 more views than the UTB homepage per day weeks after its initial release. I guess you thought that no one would notice. Surprise! I don’t have a lot going on during quarantine, so the UTB top 5 list is how I keep track of time.

For all of you reading this, and thinking, “Oh, I’ll go read that now,” Don’t. Seriously. There's a reason I'm not linking it here. If you do read it, you are only aiding a criminal and perhaps I will press charges later. To the scammer, please stop. I am a lowly English major who does not know anything about computers. I am currently dictating this via Siri. Take pity on me, one who is unable to retaliate or defend. 

I thought my Princeton article deserved the top spot but it was deprived of that title because of you. But I've got other good articles, so if you wouldn’t mind, let someone else have the spotlight for a change. I want to make clear, this has nothing to do with my own articles and them not being number one. Ever. I simply want to give other authors a chance at fame and glory. General public, please read my cult article. Herr Hacker, please take my request into consideration and make the cult article number one instead.