Ben on the Bench Gets His Revenge, Awakens to Piss on Students

Every university has a bucket list of zany, niche items students should accomplish before graduation. Penn is no exception. A GSR sleepover, sex under The Button, a public breakdown in Huntsman, a blunt at the biopond, and an intoxicated pee break on Ben Franklin. The last one, pissing on Ben, is one of the most ambitious things a Quaker can do. 

33 years since its erection, Ben on the Bench has become a popular bathroom spot. While it has become increasingly rare due to security reasons (ACAB!), there are still brave souls that seek out this adventure. Last night, some attempted the feat, only to be caught in a brutal, wet, and sticky crossfire.

Around midnight, a group of students stumbled to the infamous bench for the dirty deed when something extraordinary happened. Eyewitness Phi Delta Theta’s Chadley Bradley (W ‘23) heard noises by the pissing spot outside his bedroom window. When he looked out, he saw the bronze Franklin jump up to spray down students. Bradley stated, “It was like Ben was a fireman, his dick was his high-powered hose, and the students were a raging fire that needed to be put out."

The first victim we were able to speak to afterward was Cal Cronan (E '22). He described the situation as follows: “I approached the bench, unbuttoned, ready to wizz... when Ben hopped up shouting, ‘Enough of this shit. I’m going to make y’all as wet as my old French mistresses!’ Breeches down, he soaked us with 33 years of alcohol-infused piss.”

UTB was at the scene to ask the thought-provoking questions to the rest of the victims- like how it felt to be pissed on by the school’s founder. When asked, Sophia Quails (C ‘22) became clearly flustered. She rambled on saying “It just felt very warm and nice… I mean to be given a golden shower by Daddy… sorry, I mean… Benjamin... Franklin was a very memorable experience.” 

After thorough investigative questions, UTB was able to come to two conclusions regarding the event. One, there was a mysterious force last night that awoke a seemingly reincarnated Franklin and we should tread lightly to make sure we do not disturb him again. Two, Ben was packing.