Battered and Bruised Ben Stiller Spotted Crawling Outside Penn Museum: "I Gotta Save the Exhibits!"

Talk about “seeing stars”! Last Friday, visitors to the Penn Museum were made thoroughly uncomfortable by the presence of a bruised and bloodied Ben Stiller scrambling around on all fours.

“I… gotta… save… the exhibits!” the chiseled actor yelled at the crowd, a crazed look in his eyes.

UTB reached out to the beleaguered comedian to get the scoop. The following is a transcript of the exclusive interview, which took place inside a vent within the museum's infrastructure.

UTB: “Sooo… what’s going on with the exhibits, Ben?”

Stiller: [panting] “I only have until the dawn of the next day or… it’s all gone…”

UTB: “Or what’s gone? Ben? Hey, come back!”

It was at this point during the interview that Stiller began frantically scuttling deeper into the vent system, making his way to the East Asia gallery where he broke open a duct and plummeted toward the museum floor. Dutifully following him, our UTB associate continued to interview.

UTB: “Benny...?”

Stiller: [Gesturing wildly to the Cloisonne Lion statues] “Do you see these guys? Huh?! Do you have any idea what these bastards did to me last night?!”

UTB: “Did to you? Sir… these are museum exhibits… mere statues… do you need me to call someone for you? I heard you’ve been working some pretty long hours at your new security gig. Maybe you should take a break.”

Stiller: “You’re with him, aren’t you?”

UTB: “Excuse me, with who? All of my friends ghosted me because of my ketamine problem.”

Stiller: “With Ramses! That scoundrel in the Egypt wing! If he collects one more relic from the museum archives, his collection will be complete, and he’ll subject the entire museum collections to his tyrannical will, trying to reestablish his ancient throne in the modern world, and—”

UTB: “Sir… are you sure you don’t want me to call someone? [Ben Stiller continues to mumble incoherently] Well, I guess this is what starring in both Madagascar and Zoolander does to a person. Truly terrifying. At any rate, thanks for tuning in! UTB, signing off.”

Transcript ends here.