CAPS to Offer Emergency Counseling for Students Who Didn't Know They Were Unmuted

Mental health win! Last Sunday, CAPS announced that they would be holding emergency counseling sessions for students who did not know they were unmuted until it was too late.

Whether your roommate shouted something about hitting a bong during Chinese architecture, or your mom called you her “cutie patootie cuddle bunny” in front of your engineering ethics class, all are welcome.

“The sudden realization that your laptop is actually a hot mic transmitting every noise from your general vicinity straight to the ears of your unwitting classmates and professor can be devastating for some students,” CAPS director Liz Ormsby explained. “We want you to know: we’re here for you.”

As part of the program, counselors at CAPS have undergone special training to help you deal with the soul-crushing embarrassment of inadvertently broadcasting snide remarks and deeply personal details to your academic peers. Although talk therapy meetings began fairly recently, many students have already given a “thumbs up” to the new initiative.

“I’m so glad I can talk with someone about the time I absentmindedly made pig noises to entertain myself while the professor was explaining pulleys,” Walter Felix (C ‘24) said, eyes downcast. “People call me 'pig boy' now, which isn’t very nice.”

“Yeah, I’m here because I dissed my professor’s new haircut pretty hard,” Phyllis Herrell (C ‘23) confessed to his counselor. “I mean, it really looked like a wild raccoon made its way onto his scalp and died there, but he wasn’t supposed to hear all that.”

Ormsby hopes to continue the initiative into the foreseeable future, urging all students affected by Zoom SNAFUs to give them a call.

“Come on, we’ve all shouted ‘this is boring’ or ‘this class sucks’ during our virtual classes at least once or twice before,” Ormsby reasoned. “If by some cruel, sick twist of fate your microphone happened to be on at the same time, just remember: you are not alone.”