Only Gym Bro With Access to Weights Now Chad Among Chads

When Jacob left his fraternity last spring he was nothing special: average height, lean, and with a face not particularly memorable. Determined to take advantage of the quarantine, he started working out twice a week in his parent’s basement. He’d amp himself up with a little A-ha’s “Take on Me” or if he was feeling naughty, some rap music. He’d then hit some bicep curls with his mom’s five pound green dumbbell, before doing tricep extensions with his father’s physical therapy bands, and finishing up his workout with 20 reps on the ThighMaster. He then solidified his gains by downing a chocolate peanut-butter protein shake in the anabolic window. 

So when Jacob finally came back to Philly for the fall and saw the boys, he was not expecting to be the biggest guy in his frat. To his surprise and for the first time in his life, not only was he buff--he was a Chad. 

At 150 pounds, Jacob weighed in as 35 pounds heavier than any other boy in his frat. Jacob’s biceps were now bigger than some of his other brother’s whole arms. As the only brother with access to weights, Jacob was now a god among now-emaciated men.

“I remember when Jacob was just a rush last fall," one brother said. “He’s such a Giga-Chad now. He’s the only one here who's strong enough to bring in the Amazon packages from the doorsteps. And his thighs...his thighs are like tree trunks.”

“Last semester, I came in at 210 pounds. Used to play football back in high school,” another brother reminisced, “After being locked up for 8 months I weigh a solid 115 pounds. I don't know how Jacob got so massive over quarantine, but it worked.”

Jacob says he plans to look forward to trying out his newfound Chad status with some girls. “While of course, our fraternity is taking the utmost caution with upholding Penn’s policy on social distancing, at the next party, I think I’m going to do pretty well.”