COVID-19 Can't Enter This Party Because It Doesn’t Know a Brother

Concerns were raised by members of the Penn community living off-campus when fraternity members of Sigma Iota Kappa were spotted holding a party in their shared house last weekend. In a publicly released statement by the fraternity, the members stated that strict measures were put in place to ensure that all those in attendance were not carrying the virus with them indoors.

The brothers denied all accusations that what they did was irresponsible, citing their variety of methods of sanitization and transmission prevention including hand sanitizing stations spread throughout the house utilizing wipes dipped in vodka from the bar. This was deemed both effective and waste-free. But they claimed that perhaps their most vital and reliable measure prevented COVID-19 from even entering the door with absolute perfect consistency: the infamous doorman.

In the past, this individual was in charge of the most important aspect of any frat party, maintaining the ratio and ensuring exclusivity. But in these troubling times, they have stepped up to do even more than anyone could have ever imagined. The stand as the first line of defense between the innocent partiers and the merciless virus. Luckily for the doormen, they have one trick up their sleeve that has never failed. “Do you have a text from a brother?” One line is all it takes to keep the party going and keep COVID out. 

"Does COVID know who the president of Sigma Iota Kappa is? Does it recognize who this brother is right here? Did it even attend any of the rush events held earlier this month? Sorry, but you’re gonna have to take a lap. Wait, is that James from econ? He may be coughing and feel a bit hot but it must be from how sick and wild his night has already been." 

The doormen have an uncanny ability to diagnose COVID right on the spot and turn away those who they deem dangerous. Luckily for James, he passes the test. Thanks to the bravery of these frontline heroes, the fraternity houses are once again safe zones where students can share beers and grind on each other throughout the night.