Please, No More: Sophomore Desperate After Fifth Wholesome, Home-cooked Meal of Week

Not again! Last night, sophomore Tyler Steffey found himself on his knees and begging for mercy after his Mom served up a wholesome, home-cooked dinner for the fifth time in a row.

“Tyler, food’s ready!” his clueless mother had called. “I made a spinach, pomegranate, and Tofurky salad — your favorite!”

Steffey, a former Rodin resident who feels more at home with empty calories in one hand and a canister of high-fructose corn syrup in the other, has struggled to stomach his new meal plan.

“Cruel to be kind? No, no. This is just cruel,” Steffey muttered, clutching his stomach in anguish. “I can feel my blood sugar plummeting… back to normal levels, that is.”

It’s the silent issue plaguing Penn students stranded at home: lack of access to complete and utter junk food. Studies have shown that college students need at least two shots of Monster and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Funyuns daily to achieve maximum productivity. Without the convenient cuisine of University City to binge on during panic attacks or mental breakdowns, many students have reported unexpected changes in their mood and lifestyle.

“I actually have the energy to get out of bed before noon, and I feel like today’s going to be a great day,” Julie Rondo (C ‘22) revealed before taking a bite off the end of a celery stick. “Oh God, this isn’t normal.”

The message from students is clear: Penn must do something about this. They must step up to the plate, and subsequently load it with french fries and a nice, juicy burger. With unrest mounting across the country, we can only hope that somebody starts a petition on change.org before it’s too late.

“On campus, I could just pop down to Wawa and grab a Quadruple Deluxe Oreo Armageddon Milkshake whenever I felt the urge,” Steffey grumbled, clenching his fists. “Now, I’m just stuck with plain old Double Deluxe Oreo Armageddon Milkshakes. Don’t you get it? That’s off by a factor of two! A factor of two!”