Frat Pong Table Wonders Where Everyone Went

Pong table at Pi Kappa Alpha never thought it would miss getting beer and vomit spilled on it. In retrospect, it thinks, those were the good old days. The table missed seeing the frat guys slowly develop hearing loss and miss their shot with girls every weekend. It was like the whole house left without even saying goodbye. The table now faced days in the dark with no one to talk to but the foosball table. Sure the foosball table was better than nothing, but all the little soccer men are so cliquey the pong table feels left out.

The pong table wasn’t sure what it did wrong to push everyone away so suddenly, but it feels awfully sorry for whatever it was. It felt like just the other day that girls were putting their mouths on an ice sculpture to do shots, in a way almost identical to regular shots, but more germy. For some reason, the table notes, it appears that now no one seems eager to put their mouth on ice touched by countless mouths before them.

The table hopes at least that the frat might cover its therapy for its developing abandonment issues. It certainly cannot afford treatment on its unemployment check alone. In the meantime, it simply will wait in the dark humming the tune of “Everytime We Touch.”