"Hot Tub Protocol, but Like Always" Frat Chad Explains Social Distancing

Social distancing is nothing new. We've all been seeing signs reminding us to stay 6 feet apart since March. But that wasn't going to stop the brothers from Beta Theta Pi from getting together to make an informative video about social distancing for their incoming rushes. 

Over the course of six beer-filled hours, the brothers explained some key concepts including COVID-19, sitting on couches outside of the frat house, the CDC, acceptable forms of alcohol, and social distancing. Beta-hopeful Alex Chase watched the 6-hour masterpiece twice then declared, "God I have to join this frat. I really feel like I would vibe with the brothers and the video was really informative."

Another student, Ben Johnson, echoed Chase's sentiments, "People have been telling me 'wear a mask," and 'social distance' for months but I never really understood what that meant. I'm so used to being able to do whatever I want that I felt that those measures were oppressive and didn't apply to me. But now that I've heard the brothers' definitions, I'm going to be sure to social distance."

Upon reviewing the tapes, sources confirm the definition of social distancing provided by the brothers was, "hot tub protocol but like always." "Once I found out that not social distancing would make people think I was gay, I started staying even further away to make up for the time that I wasn't social distancing, just to send the right message. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, I mean it's totally fine, but like, I'm not gay," expressed Jack Kavanagh, another Beta rush.

While many things concerning Penn frats are questionable at best, Beta Theta Pi's contribution towards making Penn safer and smarter has received university-wide praise. "This is why we need frats on campus," explained University President Amy Gutmann, "where would we be without our fraternity-produced informational videos?"