BREAKING: Instead of Paying PILOTs, Penn Offering 50% BOGO on Bookstore Apparel to All West Philly Residents

Public outcry over Penn's reluctance to pay property taxes, or PILOTs, even during a pandemic, has sent the Board of Trustees into a series of emergency meetings. A statement was released today following the University's latest board meeting. The statement, which seems to have been copy-and-pasted right from the university's response to the Black Lives Matter protests, starts with: "We hear you. We see you. We know where you are coming from. We understand."

It continued with, "So after much discussion, the Board has decided to partner with the Penn Bookstore, conveniently located on 36th and Walnut, to provide all West Philadelphia residents with some pretty dope deals."

UTB was able to interview Board Chair David Cohen regarding the details of the decision and what West Philadelphians should expect. Cohen remarked: "As senior executive vice president and chief lobbyist for Comcast, I know the importance of accessibility and the lack thereof. That's why we are also partnering with the Penn Police to deliver items all throughout the community for free." Cohen offered no comment when asked if he knew what “reading the room” meant.

Starting this week, Penn Police will be tasked with the delivery of reduced Champion and League brand Penn apparel to residents throughout West Philly. The superintendent of Penn Police has remarked that the department is “excited to be able to expand their control...I mean… influence… throughout the community.”

Local and student advocacy groups when asked about the decision responded with perplexity. “Wait, is this a joke? Is this ‘The Onion’?” wrote back one of the top organizers. 

One of the top reasons as to why so many groups want Penn to pay PILOTs is that it will surely help out the Philadelphia public school system, which is struggling with budget cuts. When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."