On-Campus Housing Students Assigned Prison Wardens for the Fall

For many Penn students who were granted housing exception status on campus this semester, they had expected many restrictions to be put in place to ensure their safety. But no one was prepared for the measures the administration had ready for them on move-in day. Upon entering the building, all students were forced to hand over their clothes and shower immediately. They were then given two pairs of red and blue jumpsuits with the Penn crest proudly displayed on the chest. Never before have Penn students been so lucky as to receive university merch for less than $50. On the downside, their belongings were sent to a decontamination room to be kept for at least a week and most students just never saw their items again. 

On each floor where an RA used to live, the official prison warden for the area has their office. Instead of handing out condoms like candy,  they are now responsible for keeping horny teenagers away from each other. There is a security guard assigned to watch every two rooms and students are not allowed to leave their rooms at any point during the day unless it is scheduled recreation time. During this free time students may walk up and down Locust Walk accompanied by a security guard, reminiscing about the amazing frat parties that could have been. To facilitate socialization, students are given positions at the Penn Alumni Call Center where they are able to interact with former students over the phone while simultaneously begging for donations to help pay for their luxurious on-campus housing. On the bright side, students are fed three meals a day from Penn Commons, which thankfully did not have to downgrade their food for the prison environment.