Penn Mandates Drexel Shirts When Partying

With dozens of college campuses already facing thousands of COVID-19 cases, the University of Pennsylvania wants to make it clear that it is taking public health seriously. To this end, Penn is formally banning all partying with non-Drexel clothing. Any students seen with a Penn shirt and a red solo cup will face immediate consequences. 

“Here at Penn, our number one concern is the health of the Wharton student body and its surrounding community,” one Penn spokesperson said. “So please, for the safety of the school, wear a Drexel T-shirt when you go out, and don’t forget…..Go Dragons!”

“Irresponsible Penn? I’ve never heard of it,” said one administrator when asked to comment on recent allegations of Penn partying. “Ohhhh. You mean irresponsible Drexel. Those kids need to be stopped.”

One official Penn social media account already has begun showing students how to turn a “P” into a “D” on their clothing. Another post suggests that students make sure to photoshop out any Penn clothing they post on Instagram. When asked to comment, Drexel simply asked students of all schools to cease partying during the pandemic.  

“Frankly, Drexel needs to start taking this pandemic seriously.” One student holding a cup of jungle juice and a white shirt with “drecel” [sic] written in Sharpie said, “They can learn a lot from Penn students. Um...Take the Dragon on to fame. Fight on for Drexel.”