OP-ED: Replace the Terms 'Synchronous' and 'Asynchronous' With 'Fuck' and 'Fuck Me in the Ass', Respectively

Enough is enough, Penn. It may have started with “Sectors of Knowledge” and “Foundational Approaches”, but it ends here. It’s time to wake up, smell the roses, and call it as we see it. “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” must be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me In The Ass.”

I know it’s a controversial call. After years and years of confusing the shit out of freshmen, the decision to abstain from ambiguously pretentious terminology may seem like it would destroy everything our dear university stands for. However, as proven by the great CITsender-srfsdnr debacle of Fall 2019, change is not impossible. We will adapt.

Why "Fuck" and "Fuck Me in the Ass" you may ask? To this question, I respond, “Do you have a better suggestion?” If so, I’m all ears. But, for now, I’m sticking with the actual words that came out of my mouth when I realized I slept through my 9 a.m. Zoom, and then again when I was put in a breakout room with Aiden. (I don’t know how I could tell he wasn’t wearing deodorant through the screen, but I could.) However, what truly matters here is terminology by students for students, without which we’d be stuck saying “Smokey Joe's”, “Fresh Grocer”, and “Starbucks Under Commons.” It is time to harness our collective power and use it to effect true, positive change. 

I’m aware that this revolution will not happen overnight. Replacing beloved acronyms like “NSO” and “PRP” with “Vomiting in Unfamiliar Places” and “I Only Did This Because I Was Worried It Might Count For Something” might take decades, if not millennia. However, if we could just please concur that “Synchronous” and “Asynchronous” should be replaced with “Fuck” and “Fuck Me in the Ass”, I think we’d be off to a spectacular start.