BREAKING: Mike Pence Kind of Hot

Bessie came into the Vice Presidential Debate ready to support her main girl Kamala, but came out sexually confused. Was Mike Pence kind of a dilf…? His silver head of hair, sharp jawline, the way he shushed the debate moderator with his strong, but calm voice.  But most of all Bessie liked his eyes. His masculine, Republican eyes. The kind of eyes that could watch a republic burn and see a beauty in the reds and oranges of the flame. The kind of man who can see a cow bleed out on the field and see a value in the temporal nature of its life. The kinds of eyes of a man who could fall in love.

Bessie knew it was wrong, but she couldn’t deny it. “Conversion therapy must work because Mike Pence had converted her love,” she thought to herself. “This must be love. How else could she feel this way?”

So Bessie did what any girl in love would do, she printed out photos of him to hang on her wall. Don’t get her wrong, she was still going to vote for Biden, but Mike Pence had won her heart. She would stare at his photo on the wall. Repeat his name. Feel the sound click off her tongue. Mike Pence...Mike Pence...Mike Pence...It was such a precise name. A sharp name. Mike Pence….