2 for 1 Deal! Chad Can Give You Chlamydia AND Coronavirus

Penn students on campus can undertake many activities that bring some pretty neat deals. Some of Penn’s most time-honored traditions are ripe with the opportunity of scoring two (or more) things for the price of a single experience. For instance, if one wants to go SABSing on campus, they are able to see AND be seen. 

Hookups have always invited some 2 for 1 deals for Penn students. Usually, the deal has been Penn hook-ups will leave you with both the feeling of just having endured very mediocre sex AND regret. Recently, however, hooking up with a random frat dude from Do Re Me Fa So La Ti Do now comes with the sweet new deal of catching an STD and COVID-19! 

A worldwide pandemic has not deterred students, like your friendly neighborhood fuckboys, from spreading all types of infections. Chads, Brads, Tanners, and Todds alike have been very successful in quarantine at having women feel pain in all the wrong places… from a severe persistent cough because of coronavirus to vaginal discharge that smells like a Red Lobster due to chlamydia. It’s quite a mystery how these men are still able to pass on diseases when they had “yanno just been tested negative last week and have seen like nobody since… well except for the boys… oh and Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda, and the rest of the sophomore class of Tri Delt.. but that’s it.” 

This isn’t the first time that Penn girls have been given this sort of deal from unprotected sex. The freshman plague and herpes. The mumps and gonorrhea. Mono and the feeling of guilt because you just fucked your roommate’s ex-boyfriend raw. 

All in all ladies, be careful or you may spend the next 14 days stuck Zooming in your bathroom with a high fever and burning pain from peeing.