City of Philadelphia to Dispatch Gritties to Protect Philly From Voter Intimidation

The First Presidential Debate was certainly one for the ages as Home Alone 2 star Donald Trump debated Joe Biden, who is coincidentally named after the Penn Biden Center. Although debates are just another pointless exercise in ratings-boosting entertainment politics meant to give the masses false hope that they are actually involved in political processes, there are usually still some interesting topics discussed. 

One of the most interesting comments came at the debate’s conclusion when the President was asked whether or not his supporters would cause civil unrest during the election period. His rambling response seemed to encourage voter intimidation… saying for his supporters “to go into the polls and watch.” Trump did not stop there, continuing instead to name drop the City of Brotherly Love, saying “Bad things happen in Philadelphia… I am urging my people-” 

While the moment was humorous, prompting every Philadelphian to point at the TV like Leonardo Dicaprio in that subpar Tarantino film, it was frighteningly surreal to hear that Trump supporters could come to polling places to terrorize voters and election officials. City leaders met to discuss the best way to react to the President’s comments. Mayor Kenney, when asked about the city’s plan, responded with “While many solutions were discussed, we decided that the best way forward would be to introduce the president and his supporters to the baddest thing in Philadelphia: Gritty.”

Kenney elaborated on this: “Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry mascot. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The dark (orange) knight we deserve.”

Naturally, there was much confusion over this plan. For one, many pointed out the (wrongful) perception that there was only one Gritty. When we reached out to the Flyers organization about this, their response was as follows: “We have decided to keep this secret no longer. In times of need, Gritty is able to mass duplicate itself. It’s a very scary-looking process that involves it vomiting up another version… but desperate times call for desperate measures.”

UTB contacted the O.G. (Original Gritty) to inquire how they would deal with those trying to intimidate voters. The mute monster responded with cards, like that one scene from ‘Love Actually’. “We have one goal. No violence is needed. We will instill insurmountable fear. Scaring these intruders away. With our eyes. We will not rest. Until democracy in Philadelphia is safe. One hideous orange creature. Will take down another.”