Stuck At Home: Frat Guy Missing Parties to Start Accosting Sister’s Barbies

Chad Thadthorn (W’ 21) has been missing all of his Penn friends since he moved back home to Westchester, New York due to COVID-19. He’s felt especially isolated from campus since he is the first and only student to attend the University of Pennsylvania from his county. 

But more than missing his friends, he misses the ability to inappropriately touch women at parties and blame it on the poor lighting. As a member of Delta Iota Kappa, the hottest fraternity on campus, every weekend was filled with themed and highly exclusive mixers such as: boys will be boys, girls pretend to like playing pong, and the annual Hugh Hefner memorial service.

“Oh sorry! I didn’t know that was your ass. I thought that was Jessica’s ass,” was a line that Chad would repeatedly practice in the mirror before heading out on a Saturday night with the boi$. Now, at home, he just looks into his bathroom mirror and repeats to himself, “No, Mom, I don’t want to help with dishes. That’s your job.” Chad will be damned if his sexist tendencies die in quarantine.

To cope with the extreme and traumatic loss of frat parties, Chad Thadthorn has started inappropriately touching his little sister’s Barbies, just to feel alive again. 

When his sister walked into her room to find Chad on the floor with naked Barbies all around him, he burst into tears crying, “Don’t judge me Kathy! I just miss campus so much and the endless opportunity to grope women…. treading the fine line between sexual misconduct and oopsie daisy!”