OP-ED: I’m a Freshman Who’s Been to Penn Once But You Can Def Trust What I Have to Say

After publishing my first article about Jeff from Writing Sem, I became the recipient of several silly, suspicious little DMs from upperclassmen: “How do you know so much about this place as a freshman? Like, Penn culture and shit? Where did you, like, hear about all that stuff, since you’ve never technically gone here?” 

Okay, Mr. Sneaky-sneak. I didn’t realize we were gatekeeping the Penn experience now. It really only takes a few clicks on Penn Memes’ Instagram story to see that the simp and snake demographics run strong here, but I’m still offended that you questioned my credibility. I’ll have you know that I am NOT like the other clueless freshmen. I’m just like one of you!

I may have only strutted Locust Walk once this summer, but I left it all out on the runway when I had the chance— PennKey-lanyard swaying in the wind and all. In fact, I felt so at home, I climbed right onto the Ben Franklin statue and posed with him like he was my BFF! I didn’t care that the other touristy-looking passersby were giving me disgusted looks— we can’t all be locals, after all. 

Later that day, when I saw a family walking by and probably thinking how put-together I was, I, too, shared an internal dialogue of distress about being a busy Ivy League student. Little did they know, I was being crushed under the pressure of asserting my intellectual dominance and finding ways to sneak Nietzsche references in my PRP discussion post!

And yes, I wrote about going to a frat house in my last article, and no, I’ve never actually drank before. However, I’ve had McDonald’s Sprite, and I’m pretty sure that’s like the equivalent of three shots. I’ve also been eating a little bit of hand sanitizer every day for practice so that I don’t end up getting MERTed like a lightweight loser! Don’t worry, though, I’ve been careful about my alcohol to blood ratio— that’s what getting ratioed means, right?

TL, DR; you can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.