New Discovery: Putting On Jeans Portal to Feeling Human Again

Another win for science! Last Wednesday, Penn researchers discovered that the pair of Levi’s collecting dust at the back of your closet is actually a one-way ticket to feeling human again.

“No doubt, denim has some astounding properties,” lead researcher Johannes Shipley wistfully explained. “Not only does contact with it give the wearer a sense of well-being, but it also prevents them from feeling like a complete and utter drain on society’s resources.”

As a matter of fact, the study is part of an ongoing, collective effort to figure out how to feel like an actual human being and not like a slack-jawed schmuck without any real goals or aspirations. Results were compiled from the experiences of over a thousand poorly-dressed slobs, couch potatoes, and layabouts attending the University of Pennsylvania.

“We started out by giving the experimental group sweatpants, and that obviously didn’t work, so we moved on to khakis,” Shipley recounted, shaking his head. “We concluded that jeans were the only article of clothing that fully restored the test subjects’ motivation, renewed their confidence, and gave them a genuine will to continue living.”

In light of these indigo-colored revelations, the University recently announced a new initiative to bolster students’ mental health during these troubled times.

“Depressed? Try slipping into a pair of jeans, you deadbeats!” CAPS director Neil Numan advised a Zoom room full of undergraduates. “Yes, JNCOs count too, unfortunately.”