Meanies! Got Weird Looks as I Threw My Gum in the Red White and Blue Trash Can

It seems that everyone has a bone to pick with me about this one red, white, and blue trash can I threw one piece of gum into down my block. Everyday I pass it, I see people throw away letters, and I don’t bother them because it is absolutely none of my fucking business. But who gave them the audacity to yell at me about “voter fraud” over a piece of gum? I even checked if it was a paper only recycling can, and it said nothing about it. I don’t know why they think they need a whole trash can for the bills they want to avoid until the repo man shows up on their doorstep, or love letters from their toxic exes, but these people are really entitled pricks. They said the letters inside might need to be discarded because they have gum on them, to which I replied “Isn’t that the whole point of a trash can anyway?”

Seconds after I trashed the gum, everyone jumped down my throat about how “unamerican” I am. I want to think that I am perfectly American: I refuse to change my opinion when faced with facts, and steadfastly ignore the needs of others. How much more American do they want me to be? Maybe I should have thought that most real Americans throw their gum on the sidewalk for a random passersby to step on in order to add a little more toxicity to the world, or stick it under school desks to ruin a child’s day, but I never thought one moment would undermine all the work I’ve put into my American persona. I guess I need to delete the Duolingo app and dedicate myself to only speaking English in order to up my nationalism.