"Now's My Chance": Rick Bayless Sneaks Back Onto Campus While Everyone's Distracted

Bayless alert! Last Tuesday morning, celebrity restaurateur Rick Bayless was spotted slinking around campus, ducking behind road signs and hiding in trash cans to avoid detection by the public.

“Yeah, I saw him near the Radian sitting in a bush and shoveling homemade guacamole into his mouth using his hands,” Joseph Joeford (C '22) recalled from his morning walk. “He probably thought nobody could see him, but we all could. Honestly, it was a little awkward.”

Given everything that is happening in the world at this moment, it was the perfect opportunity for Bayless to sneak back onto campus and reclaim his culinary empire while everyone else was distracted.

“Did you miss me?!” Bayless shouted, deftly evading attempts by Penn police to subdue the mad chef. “You’ll never take me alive!”

Although it has been over a year since Tortas Frontera’s closing, Bayless has yet to just let the whole thing go and move on. Experts speculate that he is likely headed to the ARCH to reclaim his rightful throne as the king of Mexican fast-casual food.

“What is this Arch Café shit?” Bayless boomed at our UTB correspondent. “Robots? Automated dining experience? Oh, just you wait till I get my hands on those circuit boards!”

Students have been advised to keep their distance from Bayless, and to alert the authorities should an unhinged man slathered in guacamole attempt to offer them a hand-crafted, locally-sourced torta from his backpack.