Seven Horrible Things About Campus That Will Make You Stop Missing It

Do you miss campus? Do you long to feel the playful Philadelphian wind on your luscious locks as you walk down Locust? Despair no more, my friend! Here are seven utterly horrible things about campus that will finally make you stop missing it so badly.

1) Walking to Class in -20 Degree Weather

Wow! Doesn’t everyone love traversing an arctic moonscape just to sit through an hour-and-a-half of your professor’s incoherent post-divorce ramblings? That’s one thing I won’t be missing, no-siree!

2) 1920 Commons

Holy mackerel, Commons is bad. Don’t even get me started on the regular mackerel, either. The comfort station was always pretty decent though…

3) 9 a.m. DRL Recitations

Let me sleep, am I right folks? Well, I suppose that even DRL has its charms. It’s so easy to get lost in those winding, elephantine hallways, you know? So much trauma was endured there, and yet, I feel strangely drawn back to those musty classrooms, those steadfast water fountains, glistening with moisture… 

4) The High-Rise Wind Tunnel

Hey, I’m walking here! Quit pushing me around and… *sigh*. Man, who am I kidding? I can’t do this anymore. Damn it. I miss campus.

5) Student Groups on Locust

Ah yes, I remember those witty little flyers… and going to events… with friends. Haha! Nothing but dust in the wind, now.

6) Van Pelt Bag Checks

God, I just want to feel the warmth of another person again. Please, does someone want to rummage through my bag? I’ll even drop in some ill-gotten antique scriptures for you to find! 

7) Campus Itself

Okay, you got me. I just miss campus, man. Honestly, I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Someone, please release me from this online pedagogical nightmare!

Oh well. Maybe next semester, right guys?

Guys?