Report: “Virtual Snacks with the Dean” Greatest Threat to Our Collective Grasp on Reality

Fries, anyone? Last weekend, the thin line between reality and simulation was blurred once again by “Virtual Snacks with the Dean.” Typically held in-person, the special online version of the event invites students to a demonic, digital hellscape (created by Dean Sniegowski) where they can enjoy pixelated snacks and chat with the one and only (Dean Sniegowski).

“I love snacks,” Dean Sniegowski professed, his glowing virtual avatar violently glitching in and out of its frame. “Won’t you come enjoy some with me?”

Although the premise seems innocent enough, a new report claims that “Snacks with Snieg” is the preeminent threat to everyone’s already tenuous connection to reality. According to the results of a school-wide poll, 74% of students admitted that they felt “uncomfortable yet strangely allured” by Sniegowski’s twisted creation. A whopping 83% reported experiencing an existential crisis as the dean’s synthetic universe sucked them in and showed them the infinite pleasures of the digital realm.

“Do you get it now? Here, I am a god,” the omniscient dean announced, his bit-crushed voice booming throughout the verdant domain. “Why go back to reality when you can stay here and chat forever with me, Dean Sniegowski?”

“Man, he’s got everything,” Susan Bologna (C ‘22) said, shaking her head. “Simulated tacos, simulated hot dogs, simulated carrots — essentially anything you can imagine.”

Given that its continued existence is an assault on the physical world as we know it, there is uncertainty as to how much longer Dean Sniegowski will be able to operate his computerized kingdom. Our advice? Grab some of those simulated hamburgers while you still can.

“Hey, it’s starting. I gotta go and log on,” Bologna told our UTB associate. “Oh Sniegy, save some snacks for me!”