Coronavirus Caused Me To Lose My Sense of Taste In Men

To be honest with you, the last six months have been quite difficult. Between the pass-fail deadline not being pushed back, accidentally calling my professor a “self-righteous, shit-licking little bitch” when I wasn’t on mute, and having to deal with my loving, accepting family all the fucking time - it’s honestly a miracle I haven’t lost my mind.

And on top of all this, I still haven’t recovered my sense of taste in men since I contracted coronavirus in March. I’ve been kissing many different types of dudes: stoners with ponytails who dream of living in a commune, Wharton douchebags who gave me chlamydia, vaguely European men who only speak enough English to tell me I’m “so pretty”, and, briefly, an incel who lived in his mother’s basement. Despite this, they all taste the same - kinda like a wet dog. 

My friends and family have started to grow concerned. Usually this symptom persists for two or three weeks maximum following a breakup. However, after six full months of horny alone time, I am still having trouble tasting the difference between a genuine, loving companion and that frat guy who told me, “You know, you and my dad’s yacht have something in common. You can both handle my load.” 

If you know of anyone experiencing similar symptoms, you can direct them to my Facebook support group: “All the men I date are dicks, which must be why they taste like one.”