Joe Biden Changes Instagram Bio Faster Than Sorority Girl On Bid Day

“Getting a bid for the presidency was just such a rush,” Joe Biden mused to our UTB reporters upon the news that he had won the election. “I mean, I knew a few of the chapter members, which could have helped me get in, but I was still overwhelmed when my friend Kamala called and said ‘we did it, Joe!’ She sounded kind of drunk, TBH, but I figured that if Kamala was celebrating, then I certainly could too! So I immediately changed my Instagram bio to President-elect.” 

When asked what he was most looking forward to, Biden remarked, “the chapter house is really cute. It’s painted completely white on the outside, which gives it this minimalist, aesthetic vibe, but it’s also got the classic greek columns. Everyone here actually calls it ‘The White House,’ but don’t be fooled by the name— we don’t see color here. My big, Donald, is actually orange. There’s a rumor going around that he’s getting evicted soon, though. I heard that he broke a few of the house rules last semester… something about tax evasion, collusion with Russia, and sexual harassment. I forget the rest.”

Regardless, President-elect Biden is thrilled to be joining the White House soon. Upon leaving the interview, he declared that “the next four years will be the best of my life!”