OP-ED: Only Losers Vote Early. I'm Voting Fashionably Late.

It’s kinda embarrassing for you guys, isn’t it? All those lame graphics you posted with lists of places to vote early, all the time you spent on line outside a building which wasn’t even a sorority house, and all that stress about whether or not you remembered to put pants (at the very least, some Versace Lingerie) on your ballot before you mailed it in, just to have the president tell you that he won’t count any of those votes? 

Honestly, I think it serves you right. Everyone knows that if you show up to something early, you may as well have not come at all. That’s why, this election, I’m voting fashionably late.

The past few days have been boring AF. All of you uncultured wannabes who voted on time (or, god forbid, early) have provided this country with nothing but impatience and agitation. So today, November 5th, when I cast my vote, I will bring the action and the excitement. I will be the life of the party - both Democratic and Republican. And, most importantly, I will be the only insta-story with a pic at the polls.

In conclusion: fuck the lines, fuck those ugly stickers that literally don’t match with anything I own, and fuck the losers that voted early. Vote fashionably late, or don’t vote at all.