SPORTS REPORT: Penn Basketball Already Recruiting 6-Foot-6-Inch Forward Barron Trump

As the university’s most uh... known?... athletics team, Penn Men’s Basketball always has to stay on the top of their game. Playing at the historic Palestra, it is expected that the team recruits the biggest and brightest stars to pack the stands... with older white alumni. The coaches are always looking for an edge over their Ivy League opponents by consistently recruiting a broad range of talent in a wide array of locations. Most recently, it has been discovered, that one of these recruiting locations is quite famous-- the White House

That’s right. The Executive Mansion. The President’s Palace. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. UTB has insider information that Penn Men’s Basketball has been passively recruiting Penn Alum and President Donald Trump's son, Barron for their recruiting Class of 2024. We reached out to head coach Steve Donahue about these reports. His response was as follows: “We don’t know much about the kid, but we do know he’ll definitely put Penn on the map. Also. Do you see how tall he is? Like he’s really tall. So damn tall.”

Donahue informed us that the recruitment is being encouraged by full-time Philly sports super-fan and part-time Penn admissions officer, Dean Furda. 

Furda let UTB in on the “vision” he had for the future of Penn Basketball. “Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump leading the team to a title? Imagine how much money, publicity, and attendance that would bring! The admissions spike! The stories! The controversy!” Furda’s face was red from screaming all of this.

The very early recruitment of Barron does bring up a lot of questions, like the following: Is he even good at basketball? Is he just like one of those tall oafs that has no control over their own body? Does he even like sports? Does he, like his father, believe that exercise can kill you? Will he be able to trash-talk in Slovenian too? If he ends up with liberal values, will his siblings tell him to “shut up and dribble”? If given the opportunity, will he choose to play at Harvard over Penn? Is this all an elaborate 4-year-long ploy just to throw hot dogs at President Trump when he goes to watch his son in the stand? 

And finally: Will this be a reverse High School Musical situation where Barron’s father, Donald, wants him to go into business, but Barron chooses to play basketball instead?