Three Simple Tricks to Make Your Vote Count Twice

The importance of today’s election cannot be overstated. American voters are presented with a choice of immense consequence. One candidate embodies the hateful, anti-democratic policies that have come to loom large in our collective unconscious, liberating the forces of evil. The other candidate belongs to the party who presided over the decades of austerity politics and skyrocketing inequality that made his presidency possible! 

Trump’s campaign has mounted a conceptual assault on the measured, rationalist aesthetic of liberal democracy, unmasking and exposing its reality: brutal class dictatorship. American voters, the students of this university included, must take the moral route and return to the routinized cruelty of capitalist society with a veneer of ethical legitimacy. How can you ensure a victory for this country’s soul? Get your vote to count twice! Here are some quick and easy tricks to do just that:

1. Identity Theft: There’s nothing as American as grifting your way to victory and identity theft is one of the greatest gifts of all. That neighbor who just moved away but is still registered in Pennsylvania? Get back to the polls and say you’re him!
2. Cyberterrorism: If the past four years have taught us anything, it is that the losing party will probably concoct some conspiracy to legitimize their loss without seriously interrogating the unpopularity of their platform. We hear that online disinformation is currently en vogue, so why not take it a step further and hack into our elections infrastructure?
3. Violent Revolution: Perhaps this election has left you disillusioned with the status quo, furnishing the ruling class with ever-increasing profits regardless of who’s in power. Take up arms with your proletarian comrades and dismantle our bourgeois dictatorship through force! If it worked for Lenin, maybe it will work for us.