Upping the Policy, Penn Will Allow 75 Students on Campus This Spring!

As part of Penn's new super-well-thought-through plan, we were informed that more students would be allowed to live on campus this spring than were on campus this fall. However, just how many students would be allowed back to campus was not specified. In an exclusive interview with Penn president, Amy Gutmann, UTB got the inside scoop of these numbers. 

At the interview, Gutmann declared, "We are proud to announce that we will be upping the number of students on campus from 70 to 75 for the spring semester." This fall, nursing students with clinicals and students seeking asylum were allowed residency. Penn's latest plan would allow five more students to live on campus in the coming semester. 

"I think it would be a lottery system," explained Gutmann, "but we're still working out the details." Gutmann then immediately went on to provide an elaborate plan including a "reaping day" of sorts. In the new system, students who would like to no longer live with their parents will send in a signed permission slip via US Post. If/once received, Penn will write your name on a slip of paper. On selection day, Gutmann will handpick five names from the large bowl of names to decide who gets to live on campus.

"Classes will still be online," stated Gutmann, "so I don't really understand what's the big deal about living on campus. I mean I know that people are sick of living at home and the freshmen want 'the college experience,' but they need to stop being so selfish. We're being pretty generous to let five extra people on campus. I mean, five is a lot. That's like all four Beatles plus an extra one."

Selection day will be on November 11th, so be sure to send in your permission slip quickly. Permission slips received late will not be counted. Happy selection day, everyone, and may the odds be ever in your favor!