BREAKING: UTB Has Gun to My Head, Will Pull Trigger If I Stop Writing

UPDATE: sources are saying that I am totally safe, and that I am NOT continuing to write this article under duress of any sort. Please disregard the erroneous headline!

At 5:45 a.m. this morning, a hooded figure did NOT jump out of my closet and demand that I write this article to meet the quota for new content on underthebutton.com. Additionally, this unknown assailant did NOT announce that he was from UTB headquarters, and he definitely did NOT threaten me by pressing the cool muzzle of a Colt 1911 revolver against my temple, no siree!

For whatever reason, I wanted to let you know that my bodily autonomy is not being restricted in ANY way, and that I am free to enjoy my morning bowl of Froot Loops without worrying about a shadowy presence making note of my every movement. There really is NO need to check in on me, okay?

To my readers: please do NOT notify the relevant authorities and, whatever you do, do NOT tell them I live at 5594 Ashton Lane. Also, when you DON’T describe my assaulter to the police, please leave OUT the fact that he is six feet, two inches tall, with a medium build and short, brown hair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I’ve gotta go write some articles out of my own free will and volition!