How to Tell Your White Friends That They Will Spend the Rest of Eternity Burning in Hell

Racial tensions ebb and flow pretty predictably with the torrent of social change in the United States. Election years, pandemics, and wars have all exacerbated the circumstance of American racial conflict for centuries. 2020 in particular is no stranger to the chronic condition of racial unrest, with the state-sanctioned murder of Black Americans triggering protests and discourse regarding the state of racial affairs in this country. 

The figures paint a damning portrait. The Forbes’ billionaire list is overwhelmingly white. White people own 91% of American household wealth, despite only representing 60% of all Americans. From 1492 to 1914, Europe, representing only 8% of the Earth’s landmass, had colonized up to 80% of the planet. White people are almost wholly responsible for the modern destruction of our natural environment. The omnipresence of white malice is undeniable. They literally don’t even wash their legs in the shower. In recent years, there’s been an increasing interest in the moral condition of white people. Is it possible that white people are not the reverent, morally upright solution to the existential problem of “ethnic savagery?” Should they have to make up for the centuries of evil they’ve perpetuated onto the rest of the world? Is the magnitude of their sins too great to rectify?

One thing is for certain: there are no white people in heaven. There’s literally no way. Not after everything they’ve done. The idea of piety is fundamentally at odds with the cultural habits of white people. The idea of salvation is, quite frankly, laughable.

My personal investigation into the soullessness of white people begins and ends with the question of karma. There’s literally no way white people don’t have a fiery hellstorm waiting for them as soon as they die. You have to stop telling your white friends that you believe in an afterlife where they will not spend the rest of eternity suffocating on the sulfurous fumes of Hell’s catacombs. You have to make them understand that there is no future in which they will witness the awesome glory of the Pearly Gates in person. It sucks, it might sting, but it’s literally the least they can do as a recompense for the crimes they’ve committed against humanity.