Professor Plans to Give Exam Grade Back at Worst Possible Moment

It seems that we have all at one point or another experienced the phenomenon of getting an email from Canvas with the subject line “Submission Posted: You failed your midterm asshole!” Seeing the notification on your phone makes your stomach drop as you click the link and feel the suspense increase as you type your 95 digit Penn verification code to ensure the utmost cybersecurity for your 3-minute failed Spanish video. Of course, it never seems to help that professors always seem to release grades while you’re wasted at a party, or in the early morning so that it’s the very first thing you wake up to. Failing classes while blackout drunk only seems to deepen the realization that you truly are the disappointment of the family. 

What most people never realize is that professors actually plan out for weeks the exact moment to release grades in order to cause the most heartbreak possible. It’s not easy to release your failed exam grade minutes after the pass-fail deadline closes, it takes hard work and dedication to the craft. Some students complain that releasing assignments worth 50% of their grade makes it seem as though there is absolutely no regard for their mental health, but they don’t seem to understand the incredible consideration taken to just completely ruin their semester. It seems that no one appreciates the delicate art of creating burdens on students, especially during the world of Zoom. Students aren’t even all in the time zone, which creates a whole new logistical nightmare. Professors now need to know where the majority of students are in order to really ruin their weekends.

What’s worse is that most professors don’t even see the suffering of students when they all have their cameras off. Is the toxicity going through and eating away at their soul? One can only hope.