Greedy Little Piss Babies: Freshmen Want to Make Friends

In an act of utter moral repugnance, the freshmen class has, at Penn’s invitation, arrived on campus for the first time and decided that they want to make friends. These greedy little piss babies have come to Philadelphia for the exclusive purpose of spreading disease and desperation — just like the little plague rats that they are. Although the Penn administration may have encouraged first years across the country and globe to travel vast distances during a pandemic to sit in lonely dorm rooms and cry, the Class of 2024 is entirely and solely to blame for wanting to breathe the same air as their peers.

Penn may have made a bold decision in inviting young, reckless, and lonely teenagers to campus. But it only makes sense that any Penn-related outbreaks that spread to West Philadelphia should be blamed entirely on the friendless freshmen gathering in each other’s dorms. Vanessa Wright (C ‘24) agrees, stating that her peers are loathsome little shits “who actively conspire to infect as many West Philadelphia community members as possible” by doing such morally reprehensible acts as “leaving their dorm rooms, talking to other people, and breathing.”

Carson Banks (N ‘22) adds that those first years who join Greek life seeking a community and some semblance of a college experience are “cold-hearted killers” who deserve no place at a prestigious university like Penn. Although first years may have felt pressured to participate in in-person events by upperclassmen who they desperately wanted to befriend, these first years, and only these first years, should be held accountable for their actions.

President Amy Gutmann, when asked about the several COVID-19 outbreaks taking the College House system by storm, tersely shook her head in disapproval. “We thought that these young, irresponsible students would be able to control their innate impulses to socialize during this pandemic. We never could have predicted that this would happen on campus, and may consider sending these students home if they continue to act so recklessly. But if we do, they better be ready to pay the entirety of their housing bill and allow us to exploit them as completely and thoroughly as possible.”