0 Cases! Penn Sends COVID-19 Positive Students To Drexel

COVID-19 has shut down much of the country, but with the vaccine rolling out to health care workers and the most vulnerable members of our community, Penn has decided to reopen campus this semester. "We have the best testing around," responded Gutmann when asked how the school plans to limit the virus. "We have plenty of tests — enough for everyone!" she lied.

Astonishingly and fortunately, Penn's positivity rate has been low so far (zero cases). "It's statistically close to impossible!" explained math professor Warren Ewens. "We expected many students to test positive within the first few weeks on campus." We turned to Gutmann for further questions about this low number. She ignored our questions and instead threw her hands up screaming, "Zero cases baby! I knew we had the best testing! After all, it's not just a slogan — Penn Cares!" 

News of the legendary zero case count, later termed "no trace of a case," quickly spread around the school with widespread effects, mainly a surge in religious devotion. Accepting "the big zero" as a miracle, Catholicism spread rapidly through campus, disbanding Penn Atheists and overwhelming the now-open Philadelphia churches.

About a week after the first day of move-in, several Penn students began reporting absences of their suitemates, floormates, and friends. On Snapchat, these same missing individuals were seen hanging out with non-Penn students. It was only when junior Charles Hall was seen wearing a Drexel shirt that we discovered the horrible truth: Penn has been sending their COVID-19 positive students to Drexel.

Word spread slowly at first, whispers filling the halls. But with a day or so, all religious fervor had died out, and students lived in their rooms, mourning the loss of their fallen comrades. "I guess it took us a while to notice," sobbed sophomore Katie Seka. "They probably took all the anime kids who don't wash their hands first, so we didn't even see it coming."

The Undergraduate Assembly has deemed the week of Jan. 17 a week of solemn reflection. Students are encouraged to wear black and talk quietly out of respect for the departed. With the help of a medium, we were able to talk to Charles Hall to hear his last words to the Penn community.

"Look, it sucked to get COVID-19, but I'm better now and really thriving at Drexel. While I never wanted to get sick, at least I'm no longer at Penn."