3-for-1 Deal: Senior Frat Brothers to Give Freshmen Women Chlamydia, COVID-19, and Trauma

With the Class of 2024 being welcomed onto campus for the first time, Penn’s senior fraternity brothers are excited to resume their usual exploitation of younger women. The brothers, recognizing that this semester necessarily will be a significant departure from normal, have adopted an innovative three-for-one deal that will entice young women to venture off-campus and enjoy the sorts of pleasures only an older man can provide: chlamydia, COVID-19, and trauma. 

“We certainly weren’t twiddling our thumbs last semester,” explained College senior John Matthews, president of Sigma Epsilon Chi. “When we weren’t getting called out on social media for violating social distancing guidelines or hosting parties on crowded, poorly ventilated party buses, we were brainstorming ways to maximize our access to young female victims in the spring.” The brothers decided to play to their strengths when coming up with their marketing scheme. Recognizing that they are the principal purveyors of STDs and trauma on Penn’s campus, they decided to include both of those items in their cost-saving sex bundle. 

“We knew we could sweeten the deal even more, however,” Matthews explained to UTB. “STDs? Trauma? Those are things that any fraternity brother could give to you anytime. It’s not every year that there’s a global pandemic, so we decided to capitalize on this time-sensitive opportunity and throw COVID-19 into the sex bundle as well. Our hope is that we will be able to give these women an experience that they will never be able to forget and will always regret.”

Philip Anders, another senior brother of Epsilon Chi, agreed with Matthews. “I’m so glad that we were able to put together a package that includes everything a woman could possibly ask for for their first sexual experience.” Anders further noted that the brothers briefly considered adding "orgasm" to the package, but decided they could not in good faith guarantee that they would be able to provide one. Anders nonetheless swears by his sexual prowess — and his brothers' — claiming that he’s made “multiple” women come through purely penetrative sex. When asked if his future partners could expect him to go down on them, Anders immediately responded, “absolutely not.” 

UTB pressed the brothers on whether or not they could guarantee that all sexual encounters that occurred at their business would be consensual. None of the brothers could offer a definitive answer, only promising that “It will be murky, at best.”