Penn InTouch Found Among Ancient Artifacts During Mayan Excavation

Penn’s Anthropology Department announced a major discovery over the weekend that could shed light on a beloved aspect of every student’s Penn experience. At a Mayan ruins site in Central America, archaeologists uncovered what appears to be one of the first renderings of the Penn InTouch website. Although it was dated to be over 4,000 years old, the artifact seemed to almost exactly mirror the current design. Researchers have concluded that absolutely zero work has gone into updating the website since its inception. 

The functionality of the ancient stone tablet, frozen in time, precisely mimics the current-day website freezes of Penn InTouch when more than five students attempt to access it at once. As evidenced by the piles of preserved food scraps and garbage around it, the Mayans were already well over the site before thousands of Penn students went on to use it to access all their incredibly sensitive information millennia later. 

“As an anthropologist, I love to see how society has progressed over the thousands of years that civilizations have been on this planet. It never ceases to amaze me how rapidly technology and ideas change and spread across populations. It is also fascinating to see what aspects of human culture stand the test of time: foods, myths, and apparently terribly designed and outdated websites too,” remarked Dr. Carla Saunders, one of the principal researchers involved with the excavation. When asked for a virtual interview to discuss the implications of this new discovery, the University failed to respond, citing server issues and internet problems.