Good News! Simultaneous Tube Spitting Not Awkward Whatsoever

Shy salivaters, fear no more! Under the Button can finally confirm that perpetually spitting into a tiny vial, surrounded by 50 other students you’ve never seen in your life is not at all uncomfortable. In fact, the experience overall is quite moving, thrilling, and engaging. 

The process begins by standing in the cold for approximately 20 minutes. This is the time to get to know your fellow spitters and size up the competition before heading inside. Social distancing circles line the checkered linoleum flooring — each one a personal salivic stage. Challengers hunch, with only a plastic vessel dividing the space between mask and mouth, desperate to avoid even the slightest glimpse of eye contact. Not out of awkwardness, but out of sheer competitive might!

On his first day of testing, College first year Ian Pavlo was feeling the anxiety. “Everyone else in the room just looked so cool drooling into their tube,” said Pavlo. “I was so nervous I would disrupt the immaculate vibes emanating from the testing site.”

Lucky for Pavlo, he got the hang of it right away, blankly staring forward and slobbering as well as the rest of them. Added Pavlo, “I had such a great time — now every time I walk past Houston Hall, I start drooling right away!”

See shy salivaters? If Pavlo can get the hang of it, then you have nothing to fear. Now get on out there, you amylase-generating animals — you’ve got spit to do.