YAHOO! University Announces Start of Loud Period

Blabbermouths rejoice! Last Monday, President Amy Gutmann announced that the University-wide Quiet Period was coming to an end.

“I would like to thank the Penn community for adhering so diligently to the guidelines of the Quiet Period,” Gutmann proclaimed, switching on the megaphone in her hand. “With that being said, now it’s time to get LOUD, BABY! YIPPEE-KI-YAY!”

Since the announcement, some of Penn’s more vociferous students have signaled their approval.

“HELL YEAH!” Wayne R. Alkire (C '23) shouted upon hearing the news. “NOW NOBODY CAN STOP ME FROM BLASTING WHEEZER AT 2 A.M.”

In order to ease the transition to rambunctiousness, the University has sent out complimentary "noise pouches" to each and every undergraduate. Each neon-colored pouch contains a Penn-branded vuvuzela, cicada nymphs in a jar, a power drill, various fireworks, a blender, balloons to be blown up and subsequently popped, and "The Money Store" on vinyl.

Pretty sweet, right? Well, not everyone is having a good time. Since the loud period’s inception, students who tend to fall on the more taciturn side have been struggling to get a word in.

For instance, Timmy Cleary (E '22) reached out to UTB with a piercing criticism of the loud period, although it was honestly pretty difficult to make him out over the sound of jackhammers, electric guitars, and naval artillery outside his dorm room. Better luck next time, I guess!