DP Exposé Exposes No Names, No Organizations, No Events

Greek life beware! In a stunning rebuke of the numerous Greek organizations holding in-person events during the COVID-19 pandemic, the Daily Pennsylvanian released an earth-shattering exposé that identified exactly zero individuals, zero events, and zero organizations.  Despite evidence of Greek life negligence abounding on campus and off, there was simply nothing the DP could do. 

Amid widespread campus criticism, many Greek organizations have come to the defense of the University’s 137-year-old newspaper. “We would like to commend the DP for sticking to the facts and not needlessly exposing the identities of our innocent brothers and our overwhelmingly innocent organization,” said Max Reed, a member of the SEA lions. “Now, if you excuse me, I may or may not have to catch a bus to a New Jersey hotel party that may or may not have more than 50 people on the guest list that may or may not be hosted by my organization.”

Sam Cotton, a member of the Greek organization Chi, echoed Reed’s sentiment. “I’m really glad that we’re all on the same page in terms of protecting the privileged place that Greek life holds on campus. I mean, sure, we’re being reckless with the health and safety of our peers and the residents of West Philadelphia, but honestly, what else is new? If we want to have a downtown at some pool party and fuel Penn’s astronomical case count, that’s our own prerogative and is definitely not in the interest of the student body at large to know about.”

A DP spokesman, when asked for comment, simply shrugged his shoulders in response. “As one of the oldest, largest, and most influential clubs on Penn’s campus, we simply don’t have the resources necessary to cover any of the many news tips that have fallen into our laps. All we can say is that *some* Greek organizations have had *some* events that have been attended by *some* people. If those *some* people don’t want to implicate themselves and go on the record there’s nothing we can do.”